I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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