I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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