My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
