i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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