my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
