I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
They have beer where we have blood.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
