Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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