Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
