I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
