My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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