I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
