So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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