she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
