I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
