you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
