that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
