I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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