this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
