eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
