Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
