3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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