The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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