i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
