two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
