shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
