i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
