Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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