I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
