tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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