Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
