Im at strip club and am horny
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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