Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
