some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
sarcasm needs its own font
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
