I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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