I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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