good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
