Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
whose ass print is on the piano?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
