I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
