I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
