I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
