i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
