Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
