The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
