toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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