just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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