We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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