the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
