someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
