So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
