I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
