Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
