You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
