Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
