Me too!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
